Being Me...

I find myself swinging. 

Not on a playground swing. 

Not high on dope. But on life. 

Swinging into extremes...

One minute I feel I can let it all go

the next I want to hold on

One minute I tell someone off

the next I hang on to every word they say

I cease to be – be myself

I flow with the wind

It takes me high…then swings me low

Sometimes I’m floating…drifting

Then again, I’m lashed

I hurt, I laugh, I cry, I smile

I feel rejuvenated. I feel tired

I understand

And then I don’t

There is no valley 

where I can rest in solitude

There are endless hills to climb

Some green and verdant

Where I pause to catch my breath

Some bare and rocky

Where I falter and trip

I watch the familiar faces of loved ones

I derive comfort in their presence

I hear words of friends

Near and far

Some warm, loving

Some harsh, criticizing

I cease to be me...to think for myself

I fail to accept the simple truth

I cannot keep everyone happy

I keep trying otherwise

I keep losing myself

Over and over again

I look at the mirror;

Watch the creases around my eyes

The beginnings of lines around my mouth

I’m aging but I’m not really growing am I?

*sigh*

I sleep a dreamless sleep

I hope to wake up to another morning

Simply to be me

What's left behind...

After he stormed out

raging into the night

leaving them behind

The quiet house witnessed

A poignant sight...

Watching his mamma

The little boy cried

His mamma sighed

Tears rolled down his eyes

She soothed him with

 his favorite lullabies...

He cuddled close

She kissed his lil nose

Warm in her arms

As he gently slept

Her tired eyes 

silently wept...

Before it's too late

I wrote this after a fight with a dear friend. We've withstood the test of time, changing circumstances, love, hurt, pain, joy .. it makes me smile reading this and to be reminded of how I was so upset back then. In many ways I am thankful I have the ability to write and express. I am not a confrontational person, so writing is where I am completely expressive and absolutely true to my deepest feelings...

Don’t take me for granted

I stand by you no matter what

I look past your mistakes

I don’t show my pain

But that won’t last

You’re oblivious to the

Changes in me

 

Wake up you need to see

Before it’s too late

For you to change things

And we’re left cursing fate

 

What else?

I’m always there for you

And no,

I didn’t expect anything in return

Being friends, for me

Was never about give and take

I did my fair share of giving

And I’d do it all over again

If I can get past this hurt

You really don’t see it do you?

 

Wake up you need to see

Before it’s too late

For you to change things

And we’re left cursing fate

 

You probably think it’s a trivial thing

Why cry over something

So small and insignificant

But hey, aren’t you the one always saying

"It’s the little things in life that matter"?

 

Wake up you need to see

Before it’s too late for you

To change things

And we’re left cursing fate…

 

You know what’s funny?

You don’t even know I’m hurt

Right now you’re upset

Wondering why I find it tough

To make a simple call.

You think I’m taking you for granted

That’s how it is right?

You never did sense

My disappointment and that...

Yes that hurts even more

 

Wake up you need to see

Before it’s too late

For you to change things

And we’re left cursing fate

And I’m done with this!

Shit poem I know…

Had to let of steam

And that’s done…

Read it…chuck it

And go have some fun!

Choices...

** Re-posting this one. It was first posted in 2006 ... circumstances had me thinking and sharing it again with a few lines added and changed...

This is an attempt to write on my understanding of how people would feel in a forced relationship. How does one feel when the love is gone and the relationship is there simply for the sake of appearances??...

At times I feel

I live my life in vain

Nothing to gain...

Negativity overwhelms me

Why does it get to me?

I know there's sunshine

After the rain...

But it seems forever mine

This mind numbing pain

I could fake yet another smile

Maybe even force a laugh

Once in a while
They wouldn't guess

They couldn't care less...

We live the choices we make

You and I could play this game forever
Faking our separate lives together

You in your world
and me in mine...

For people around us...
For everyone's sake

Faking joys...Faking happiness....

Never truly away from each other
In our hearts always together...
Defined by our choices
Silencing our true voices...

Angel

 Last night I dreamt of you

I cuddled you soft and warm

An angel in my arms

Sleeping peacefully calm

I kissed your tiny feet

As your tiny hands

Reached out to me

I held you close

Doted on you totally

I saw myself love you

Unconditionally

In a perfect world

Where love triumphs

Unimaginable as it may seem

This beautiful spring

You would have been

My reality…Not given up

Like a lost dream

Love that was

On Valentines...

Your smile is what I remember

the first time we met

Your smile is what I now try

so hard to forget

Do you remember our first

conversation?

Bits and pieces float around

in my head..my heart

And now that we're
not together

it's the memories of us

that keep me from

falling apart...

I want to live for
the memories of

the hours we shared

when you seem to

show you cared...

I struggle to live through

the hours without...

facing my demons 

and hearing them shout...

Love was never enough

Love just never was...

I will never learn, will I?

That this is final...

not a momentary pause...

But tell me...
Do you ever feel

the way I do?

Do you let reality

fade away...

and feel tempted to

say it too

say...I love you?

the way I still do...

Done with loving...

Penned sometime ago ... shared today

"I'm done with loving 

done with giving 

without receiving 

When it's gone 

nothing else matters 

Love is a game

it breaks...it shatters 

 a game of lies 

of selfish desire 

a path of roses 

to a raging fire 

I could learn 

to play too 

take you for a ride 

I could lose it too 

this thing called pride 

My lesson I've learnt 

my broken heart nursed 

Yet I won't wish 

upon you a life cursed 

There in the depths 

of all my misery 

you've occupied 

a part of me 

Let me be... set me free... 

No more pain 

for your selfish gain 

It isn't you, is it? 

It's I holding on 

It's I not letting go 

Its my weakness 

and i'm letting it show 

I'm done with loving 

done with giving 

without receiving"