Thursday, August 28, 2014

Being Me...

I find myself swinging. 
Not on a playground swing. 
Not high on dope. But on life. 

Swinging into extremes...

One minute I feel I can let it all go
the next I want to hold on
One minute I tell someone off
the next I hang on to every word they say

I cease to be – be myself
I flow with the wind
It takes me high…then swings me low
Sometimes I’m floating…drifting
Then again, I’m lashed

I hurt, I laugh, I cry, I smile
I feel rejuvenated. I feel tired
I understand
And then I don’t

There is no valley 
where I can rest in solitude
There are endless hills to climb
Some green and verdant
Where I pause to catch my breath
Some bare and rocky
Where I falter and trip

I watch the familiar faces of loved ones
I derive comfort in their presence
I hear words of friends
Near and far
Some warm, loving
Some harsh, criticizing

I cease to be me...to think for myself
I fail to accept the simple truth
I cannot keep everyone happy
I keep trying otherwise
I keep losing myself
Over and over again

I look at the mirror;
Watch the creases around my eyes
The beginnings of lines around my mouth
I’m aging but I’m not really growing am I?

*sigh*

I sleep a dreamless sleep
I hope to wake up to another morning
Simply to be me

Monday, August 4, 2014

What's left behind...

After he stormed out
raging into the night
leaving them behind
The quiet house witnessed
A poignant sight...

Watching his mamma
The little boy cried
His mamma sighed
Tears rolled down his eyes
She soothed him with
 his favorite lullabies...

He cuddled close
She kissed his lil nose
Warm in her arms
As he gently slept
Her tired eyes 
silently wept...

Thursday, June 26, 2014

Harsh Realities...

This was written a long time ago when one too many examples of broken marriages and complicated relationships seemed to be happening around me. I guess there will be some women living through the situation and identify with the feelings I have tried to capture and express below...it's the moment before you learn to let go totally. When you hit rock bottom, there is only one way out and that is to climb out and move up...life doesn't stay negative forever...a lot depends on our ability to deal with the rough times...to get past the harsh realizations...

If ever there was an example of
Have your cake and eat it too
Without a doubt
That would be you!
You had me wrapped
Around your little finger
And wow you managed to
Convince her too!

For long I felt it
Was my weakness
That kept me longing
For you
But blinded by emotions
I never noticed
You kept me hanging
And a convenient option
too

If you really truly wanted
You could make it work with her
Without holding on to me
And doing so saying it was
Me who kept you stuck
And really the fact that despite
hearing that
I still love you
You do have some luck!

No more though
I walk on shaky turf
I’d continue to do so
If you were worth it
But instead of simply
Taking a stand
You chose to indulge
Me and fool her some more

And I've done the same
Hoping against hope
That you would take
A clear stance
That never happened
Not a chance!

Between us
I think I have more
Integrity
I never shirked away
From owning up to the truth
But...
Now I find myself a liar
cheating my way through
All thanks to you!

Daily musings...

"Walk away..far far...
further
Out of sight
But never
Out of mind
Why do I even bother?"

Monday, April 21, 2014

I have a lot of half written poems...I start off and the words seem to flow...then I lose myself in them...and they stay incomplete...just like that.

Today I read the following lines in a facebook page I follow. I loved them and so I am sharing it here... I don't know the source of these lines so I can't give due credit but whoever did write them, seemed to say it so beautifully...


Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Before it's too late

I wrote this after a fight with a dear friend. We've withstood the test of time, changing circumstances, love, hurt, pain, joy .. it makes me smile reading this and to be reminded of how I was so upset back then. In many ways I am thankful I have the ability to write and express. I am not a confrontational person, so writing is where I am completely expressive and absolutely true to my deepest feelings...

Don’t take me for granted
I stand by you no matter what
I look past your mistakes
I don’t show my pain
But that won’t last
You’re oblivious to the
Changes in me
 
Wake up you need to see
Before it’s too late
For you to change things
And we’re left cursing fate
 
What else?
I’m always there for you
And no,
I didn’t expect anything in return
Being friends, for me
Was never about give and take
I did my fair share of giving
And I’d do it all over again
If I can get past this hurt
You really don’t see it do you?
 
Wake up you need to see
Before it’s too late
For you to change things
And we’re left cursing fate
 
You probably think it’s a trivial thing
Why cry over something
So small and insignificant
But hey, aren’t you the one always saying
"It’s the little things in life that matter"?
 
Wake up you need to see
Before it’s too late for you
To change things
And we’re left cursing fate…
 
You know what’s funny?
You don’t even know I’m hurt
Right now you’re upset
Wondering why I find it tough
To make a simple call.
You think I’m taking you for granted
That’s how it is right?
You never did sense
My disappointment and that...
Yes that hurts even more
 
Wake up you need to see
Before it’s too late
For you to change things
And we’re left cursing fate
And I’m done with this!
Shit poem I know…
Had to let of steam
And that’s done…
Read it…chuck it
And go have some fun!

Friday, March 7, 2014

I thought I could not be hurt


I've always shared my own poems here but I read this online today and loved it. It's titled "I thought I could not be hurt" by Sylvia Plath 
I thought that I could not be hurt;
I thought that I must surely be
impervious to suffering
immune to pain
or agony.
 
My world was warm with April sun
my thoughts were spangled green and gold;
my soul filled up with joy, yet
felt the sharp, sweet pain that only joy
can hold.
 
My spirit soared above the gulls
that, swooping breathlessly so high
o'erhead, now seem to brush their
whirring wings against the blue roof of
the sky.
 
(How frail the human heart must be
a throbbing pulse, a trembling thing
a fragile, shining instrument
of crystal, which can either weep,
or sing.)
 
Then, suddenly my world turned gray,
and darkness wiped aside my joy.
A dull and aching void was left
where careless hands had reached out to
destroy
my silver web of happiness.
 
The hands then stopped in wonderment,
for, loving me, they wept to see
the tattered ruins of my firmament
 
(How frail the human heart must be
a mirrored pool of thought. So deep
and tremulous an instrument
of glass that it can either sing,
or weep).
 

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Choices...

** Re-posting this one. It was first posted in 2006 ... circumstances had me thinking and sharing it again with a few lines added and changed...

This is an attempt to write on my understanding of how people would feel in a forced relationship. How does one feel when the love is gone and the relationship is there simply for the sake of appearances??...

At times I feel
I live my life in vain
Nothing to gain...
Negativity overwhelms me
Why does it get to me?

I know there's sunshine
After the rain...
But it seems forever mine
This mind numbing pain

I could fake yet another smile
Maybe even force a laugh
Once in a while
They wouldn't guess
They couldn't care less...

We live the choices we make
You and I could play this game forever
Faking our separate lives together

You in your world
and me in mine...
For people around us...
For everyone's sake
Faking joys...Faking happiness....

Never truly away from each other
In our hearts always together...
Defined by our choices
Silencing our true voices...

Friday, February 28, 2014

Angel

 Last night I dreamt of you
I cuddled you soft and warm
An angel in my arms
Sleeping peacefully calm

I kissed your tiny feet
As your tiny hands
Reached out to me
I held you close
Doted on you totally
I saw myself love you
Unconditionally

In a perfect world
Where love triumphs
Unimaginable as it may seem
This beautiful spring
You would have been
My reality…Not given up
Like a lost dream

Friday, February 14, 2014

Love that was

On Valentines...

Your smile is what I remember
the first time we met
Your smile is what I now try
so hard to forget

Do you remember our first
conversation?
Bits and pieces float around
in my head..my heart

And now that we're
not together
it's the memories of us
that keep me from
falling apart...

I want to live for
the memories of
the hours we shared
when you seem to
show you cared...

I struggle to live through
the hours without...
facing my demons 
and hearing them shout...

Love was never enough
Love just never was...
I will never learn, will I?
That this is final...
not a momentary pause...

But tell me...
Do you ever feel
the way I do?

Do you let reality
fade away...
and feel tempted to
say it too

say...I love you?

the way I still do...

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Done with loving...

Penned sometime ago ... shared today

"I'm done with loving 
done with giving 
without receiving 

When it's gone 
nothing else matters 
Love is a game
it breaks...it shatters 

 a game of lies 
of selfish desire 
a path of roses 
to a raging fire 

I could learn 
to play too 
take you for a ride 
I could lose it too 
this thing called pride 

My lesson I've learnt 
my broken heart nursed 
Yet I won't wish 
upon you a life cursed 

There in the depths 
of all my misery 
you've occupied 
a part of me 

Let me be... set me free... 

No more pain 
for your selfish gain 

It isn't you, is it? 

It's I holding on 
It's I not letting go 
Its my weakness 
and i'm letting it show 

I'm done with loving 
done with giving 
without receiving"

Friday, May 31, 2013

DREAM...

"Hmmm…this particular poem may seem a little vague and I cannot elaborate the circumstances and situation that prompted the lines below…it’s not as easy as it seems…to forget…even if there is no one to remember…the dream is never easy to let go…"

A dream that lasted a day or two
A dream woven around you
But you were never meant to be
A dream I wish I never did see

Yes…God works in mysterious ways
And…I know in just a few more days
You'll be a distant memory
Even though you were a part of me

Alone I can't hold back my tears
Alone I confront my worst fears
I never did know you...see you...hold you
You didn't...and you don't exist
Yet I loved you...and I still do

Thursday, April 4, 2013

Prelude to pain

Dedicated to the “casual fling” ... whatever!
I have this craving
That’s driving me insane
It’s a prelude to pain

I wanna stay
Don’t push me away
Wanna give this one night
Whatever I’ve got

You hear me?

I wanna experience
Ecstasy
Make it real
This never ending
Fantasy

You want no strings attached
I can live with that
It’s no curse
I’ve lived with regret worse

It’s a prelude to pain
My loss your gain

I wanna stay
Don’t push me away
Wanna give this one night
Whatever I’ve got

You hear me?

I’ll live with
The regret
Coz baby right now,
I wanna give you
A night
You’ll never forget!

It’s a prelude to pain
My loss your gain

Tomorrow
You’ll probably
Look right through me
You think that scares me?
Maybe…

But I wanna look at tonight
And forget tomorrow
Forget yesterday
Tonight it’s going to be magic
Just my way

Yes! I’m gonna
Satisfy this craving
That’s driving me insane
It’s a prelude to pain
My loss your gain!

Thursday, November 25, 2010

The End

All good things come to an end
Nothing lasts forever
The smile of a friend
Changes to the cold stare
Of a stranger

Sharing caring loving
Gone in the blink of an eye
“Us” losing out to “I”
Nothing left to say
Only a desire to
Walk away
Memories remain
They bring a tear...a smile
And all the pain
Fades after a while

It simply doesn’t matter
Life moves on
Till there’s thing left
The good...the bad...
Like “us” they’re all gone...

Friday, July 23, 2010

Then and Now

It's been a while since I last wrote here. Life's kept me busy in a nice way. The poem below was a spontaneous one and has not gone through any editing as such. Inspired by the lives of many around me.

 That was then
This is now
We’ve changed
You and I
And
We can’t fathom
How

Then there were
Secret smiles
Clandestine conversations
Passionate encounters
Every second together
Mattered
Every minute apart
Shattered

Now all that’s left is
Lingering feelings
Unfulfilled desires
Longings
Quiet sighs
Silent tears
Known and
Unknown
Fears

Even as I
Voice myself
Through my words
I can sense
Your discomfort
Try as I might
It will end
There’s a sense
Of finality
Tonight

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Reason to smile...

A new dream
Unreal as it may seem
A new beginning
A new longing…

My heart sings
A new song
A lil heartbeat in me
A lil life in me

I count the days
Plan in many ways
Praying…silently
Waiting … patiently!

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Let's get away...

I know solitude is rare
To think,
Of a time gone by

Sitting here humming
That old song…
I sigh …

It’s tempting to get away
Escape to that quiet
Solitude…
Just you and I

Time spent
In your arms
Your gentle touch
Soft kisses
Away from
Eyes that pry…

Memories that gave
Me reason
To smile
And rare occasions
that made
me cry

I smile
As I catch
That familiar
Twinkle
In your eye

I can read your mind
My love
We think alike
You and I …

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

“If one does not understand a person, one tends to regard him as a fool.”

I pick up subtle hints...
I'm not a fool you see...

I can only be oblivious when
I'm not aware...
If you choose to percieve it
as I don't care...

That's not my problem is it?

I don't have ESP...
I can't sit here and
sense you're not okay
I can't sit here
and know it all...no way!

Lack of communication
is the reason why...
When I reached out asking why...
I got no reply...

Did you intend for me
to hear it from others?
To be the last one to know?
Fine so be it...
But don't come back and
throw subtle hints...

I don't know what hurts more...
The fact that you never told me why?
Or
The fact that you expected me to know why?
Times like these I don't even know
why I try..
waste my emotions...
why do I cry?

Tears come easy...
but not my ability
to deal with
emotions so
crazy...

I'm not a fool?
I think I am...

You make me believe ... I am...